It starts with surrender

May 14, 2021

Hello there, my love.

It's been 3 years since we've last connected and it feels like not much as changed in the past three years but as I go deeper and think back, a lot has transformed my life into how it is now. Waw!

Where to begin? From the start? No, I don't think so, otherwise this would be a long ass post. 

Let's start with one word, surrender

Disclaimer: Before we begin, I felt called to put a disclaimer. 
This is my honest truth, experience, and thoughts. It may not be the same as yours so if in any way this post makes you uncomfortable, I invite you to close this page and go with love in your heart.

The walking path

Since 2020, when the pandemic hit the world and as we all were forced indoors, I was one of those people who celebrated staying inside and having a socially valid excuse, without judgment, for not socializing with others. I have categorized myself as an ambivert so I generally enjoy being indoors 24/7, and zoom calls adequately served my need to socialize. 

Instead of attending Toastmasters meetings 3 times a week and going to cafes and brunches weekly, I had to find something of value to fill my time. It was around April 2020 when I was presented a program that put me on the path towards surrender and played a part into transforming my life—and I'll tell you now that it was not a clean path, it had tons of rocks, dirt, and all that nasty that I needed to get through in order to bow my head down in surrender. And I am still working on surrendering fully every, single, day. It's such a journey. 

On April 2020, I was presented with A Walk of Holiness. It is a space that was created for sisters who wants to take a dip into the islamic faith and that was what I felt called towards to kick start my journey into being in a sisterhood until this day. The space was held and guided by a person I call my guardian angel, my teacher, my soul sister, Aisha. She has the most beautiful soul I've ever walked with. 

The resistance

We all know that since I wrote about this post, my relationship with my faith was a big topic that had a lot of negative feelings. And I was approached by a few people wanting to talk to me about it and try to change my mind about how I felt and believed. (To those people, thank you for your love—you know who you are.) 

I know I have a lot of resistance towards my faith and I felt way before April 2020, that I needed to tap into that resistance and see where it takes me. Oh boy, that was a tough wound to open up. I was at a point in my life where I felt broken, unworthy, unloved, and felt like a big mistake in the world. I was at a point where I didn't want to bother with life any more. I was holding on lightly to life and was finding a good enough reason to let go. I was in a dark-dark place but, something in me knew that I wasn't meant to stay in that place forever. A feeling, a voice, a bright light walking around me. 

Enter Aisha's A Walk of Holiness. 

We walked with Aisha and fasted for the month of Ramadan together. We had weekly zoom calls, weekly texts to look at, discussions, meditations, and questions to reflect on. I dove into my resistance head-on and I spoke with the sisters in that space openly about how I felt about my faith. They accepted without judgement, without trying to convince me I was wrong, without fighting with me, without calling me out and asking me to leave. There was no hate, no anger, no force. They held me closely with open arms and told me to that it was going to be okay. They asked me what I wanted, how I felt, and where do I want to go. They taught me to breath and to take every day to surrender lightly, and they told me that we're all in this together. 

The first big step to surrender

During that Ramadan, I had the fasting down, I had the zakat (charity) down, I had the duaa's to say when before fasting and before breaking the fast. The biggest item on my list I had to tackle was Salat (prayer).

The last time I performed Salat, I cried. I legit felt an overwhelming feeling to cry right after I was done. And one of the reasons why I didn't pray again was because I was scared to feel that again. That was big resistance for me to go through. 

With the help of the sisterhood in A Walk of Holiness circle, I opened myself up, became vulnerable, and I decided to do it again. 

And I did. I read the words off a paper, bowed my head in surrender, and yup, you guessed it, cried the whole way through—

Side-note for context: I didn't know how to pray properly. I didn't know what to say, when to bow, when to sit. I was half clueless on what to do. But I was grateful that I had a step-by-step guide that gifted from my uncle to my mother when she converted to Islam, who then gifted it to me the Ramadan before when I wanted to tap into Islam back then. 

—Being completely honest, my heart and soul felt like it was opening my and something was shining through it. It felt like I was releasing the heaviest burden off my shoulders and it felt like I was coming home. 

Despite not doing it 100% correctly, I knew in my soul that what I was doing was a massive step in the right direction. And bless it be, was I right. 

I prayed every day for the rest of the month and more. I cried most of the month of Ramadan during and after prayers. 

The clearer path

I dove deep deep deep into my resistance and surrendered to all that was, all the is, and all that will be.

From there, everything manifested with a snap of my fingers. 

I joined a Book Club on Facebook groups where we embarked on a 7-week journey around Calling on the One where we read, reflected, and manifested our One. I never completed that journey because it led me to a detour called Manifesting Love, that was birthed by Patrica at The Hell Yes Life, who I virtually met at the Walk of Holiness circle. 

Instead of a 7-week journey of Calling on the One, I was gifted this 8-week journey into manifesting love within myself again. Mix surrender with love and Oh hells bells it was a magical feeling.

Joining that program may not have manifested a physical partner but it manifested the partner within myself. It brought me deeper within my inner being and the higher power. 

From there, I tackled other programs from The Hell Yes Life, such as Honoring your Inner King, and tapping into Goddess Energy at the Moon Lodge. Both of which are equally as juicy as I looked at my inner masculine and feminine, who I've discovered have a love-play-banter relationship. It's cute and fiery one time, and soft and romantic the other. It's such a wondrous discovery of energies. 

The walk today

Each day has its good days and bad days. Not every day is exactly the same. There are still moments when I want to break down, think the worst of myself, feel sorry for myself, and go back into that darkness, and I let it. I let that resistance, that darkness (#ShadowandBone #BenBarnesComeAtMe), that icky sticky nasty feeling come through. With what I've learned and turned into habit from my teachers Aisha, Pat and many other sisters in the circles I'm in, I have a kept my toolbox filled with gifts and blessings to remind me that this too shall pass. 

I let those feelings go through me rather than push it away and resist it. 
I honor what I feel, I love it, I hold it, and from there it softens and floats away in release.

As I continue on this glorious walk of life from being beaten down emotionally to a point where I felt my life drift away from me. I honor that I am now in a space where I know that I'm being guided, protected, loved, and blessed. Every day, I pray for magic and miracles. Every day, I pray that everyone stays blessed (even those who have hurt me and broken me down, I pray for you to be loved and blessed) I pray for courage, strength, and I pray for love. And every day, I open my heart to receiving those gifts and miracles fully. 

Things have changed. It may not be an outer entire environmental change but my inner being, my mindset, my narrative and more have changed. I am more open, more compassionate, more loving, whole, healed, and holy. 

And that my friends, all started with one word, surrender. 

Loving you, 

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