There are Miracles and There are Downward Spirals

June 4, 2018
Photo by JC Gellidon

Last year, I flew to Kuwait for the first time for a Toastmasters Workshop and had a disturbing experience. It was my second time travelling alone, and although it was another leap, it flew out of hand. I'm not going to go into details about that trip since that's another story to tell, but I will tell you this, there were tears, a cloud of negativity, blood stains, cramps, and anxiety attacks. It was a tough trip that I am ironically grateful that happened in a country that looked like home—legit, with flat houses, sand, sea, and dates trees which makes a typical gulf island. And this year, I had to fly back to Kuwait this May for another Toastmasters Conference, and this time, I flew with the intention of changing my perception of the country.

I had never felt so determined to do something as vague as changing my perception of a country. I mean, how can you actually force that to happen? You have a bad experience and it's out of your control, right? Nope. I had it all wrong.

I put my intention forward and surrender to your guidance and path.

I remember praying and praying, and I never thought that my prayers would be answered, but it was. For the most part. 

It's Nobody's Fault

The toughest part when I travel for these events with my friends is my fear of being left alone, and that was one of the reasons why my first trip to Kuwait blew up. I was so focused on my fear of being left alone that my negativity shadowed my perception towards what I should've actually been looking at. It was the people who were there yet didn't know what to do with me as I sulked in silence and tried to keep my tears at bay. And it wasn't their fault that they didn't know what to do neither is it my fault for feeling that way. Blame doesn't do good to any of us in the end, so it's no one's fault, it's just what happened, and that's that. 

I Spiralled

The Conference was a two-day event, and Day 1 went fantastically well with miracles that I'm so grateful and proud of. I met terrific people, passed on the love, kept my smiles up, and continued to ask for guidance towards more love. It was a day literally filled with miracles that my heart will never forget. 

Since Day 1 surrounded with good intentions and love, I expected Day 2 to go just the same, but I spiralled. I saw something that made me overthink my entire reason for being there, and I felt left out and unwanted. It was a bad kind of spiral that left me crying in my hotel room unable to even attend the second day of the conference. (To point out, I did pay for this event, but it wasn't a requirement for me to attend). So what did I do? 

I prayed for a guide out, took a bath, meditated, cried some more. It made me feel a bit better but all I wanted at the moment was to go home and be in my own space. It was an anxiety attack and a broken heart. This May trip blew my mind with how powerful the universe can get and how one single bad thought or emotion can diminish such power. I was lucky to have family there with me to hold me and shush me while I cried from my hotel room to the flight back to Bahrain. 

Just Feel It

This was another tough trip that I don't regret, but I'm rather proud of. I changed my perception of Kuwait and found it's beauty, and most of all, I learned such a valuable lesson. When my anxiety kicked in I didn't push it away, although I wanted it to go as soon as possible, I know that pushing it away only pulls more of it to me, so I felt it, cried, came to terms with my clouded thoughts and emotions until I felt better. 

When you feel something you don't like, don't push it away, welcome it.

I realised that when you're feeling emotional about a situation, retreat to a safe space and come to terms with it. Pushing it away only locks it up into a place that is bound to get overflown. One day a cake you're baking comes out burnt, and you'll cry over that for hours when instead you're actually crying over all that pent-up feelings you've been keeping. So, don't be afraid to feel what you're feeling.

It's been a few weeks since the trip and if I were to keep my what I was feeling inside, I wouldn't feel the freedom I feel right now. It's magical!

Here are some highlights of the trip that I'm proud of:
  • I helped a friend at the airport, and she called me a Godsend. She's just a bright light that friend.
  • The landing was so smooth that I barely felt it (I'm scared of flying)
  • I got upgraded to a suite! Hell's yes it was huge! (Symphony Style Hotel)
  • Received excellent service and free ice cream from Scoop a Cone
  • Sank in and fell asleep in a king-sized bed
  • Took the most relaxing bath meditation
  • My makeup and outfit were on point
  • Puckered up the courage to speak to someone whom I felt resentful towards and we became fast friends. 
  • I realised how supportive my family can actually be 
  • But most importantly, whenever my anxiety and negative nancy brain takes over, I somehow always managed to get distracted enough to forget about it or find myself colouring or practising calligraphy to calm my nerves down. Mostly.

The glory in changing your perspective on something is empowering. It feels like a weight has been lifted and the world is brighter. And feeling those negative feelings rather than pushing and locking it up is a relieving challenge. I'm so ready to go back to Kuwait when I need to. Come at me anxiety, let me feel ya!

If you've made it this far, thank you for reading this experience. I wanted to share something like this with the hopes that maybe one of my amazing anonymous readers would take something from it.

Give love, 

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