Is it depression?

October 20, 2014
This morning, I was shuffling through Youtube and decided to check up on one of my favorite youtuber's Meghan Rienks and stumbled upon her video on depression. Because of what she said, I am writing this post now. 

Here is the video if you would like to watch it. 

Meghan speaks on how she was diagnosed with severe clinical depression. As she was explaining how she felt and how it all suddenly happened, things started to click in my mind with every symptom she stated. 

I'm sure this is something 80% of the world goes through, especially once they graduate or drop out from university. An existential crisis. It's something I've been going through since before I graduated university in 2013; at least that's what I think. It was when I realized everything after my final exams were completely blank and it didn't feel like a white board that welcomes ideas, it felt more like a black hole. 

Unlike most of that 80%, I am one of those who leeches off their parents while they decide what to do with their lives. So we sit, we eat, we panic, we cry, we sleep. 

Whenever that while board of opportunities comes into view, I would jolt down my goals and what I thought I wanted, and for the next few weeks, I was determined to get to where I wanted to be. Then suddenly a dark cloud suddenly floats above my head and swarm of negativity would rush through my mind. Doubt, fear, worthlessness, death. Or as Meghan said a switch flipped. Next thing I know it, I'm crawled up on the corner of my bed brawling my eyes out and whispering soothing words to calm myself down until I pass out, and waking up feeling drained and rotten. 

I don't know if I'm classified as depressed or actually suffering from this crisis since the doctors here don't know shit. But I would go in and out of my depression, and I'd like to say every time I come out of it I'm stronger than ever, but to tell you the truth, I feel the same way and see no difference. 

Watching myself go on, day after day sinking deeper into that black hole that I call my mind and over thinking every possible thing that I wanted to do in life, whether I was good enough or not, whether I was meant to do this or not, whether I want to do it or not. And at the end of the day I would just panic and depression would overwhelm me which would in turn put me in a state of death, hypothetically speaking. 

Perhaps it is my will to keep going and support the idea of what I want in life that I should focus on and push away all those dark emotions and negative thoughts, but it's easier said than done. 

I may not be experiencing the same things as Meghan is experiencing but dealing with any sort of depression alone can be one the hardest things to come across in life. Despite myself not taking my own advice, I strongly encourage you to talk to your family, to your best friends, to someone who you think would support you no matter what, if ever you are feeling any sort of depression. Bottling things up inside doesn't make you stronger, it makes you fragile. It's going through the depression that makes you stronger. 

During these depression days I would use some rocks as a placebo affect to make everything better. 

I know it sounds weird and idiotic, but it helps. 

I would hold these rocks in my palm and squeeze tight while repeating all the things I'm grateful for and remembering the moments I felt happy and loved and felt excited and determined. I held these rocks and whispered the words to myself for hours until my feelings of excitement and love overwhelmed the feelings of fear, panic, and sadness. 

I also take everything one step at a time. Rushing everything just stressed you out and would risk sinking back into that state of panic and depression. Whether it was just putting one foot after the other, or making some tea, I take it slow. And it really helped. I slowly started to feel alive and determined again. 

I'm not the type to speak out about my depression since I don't think the people around me would care as much, but today, I just feel like perhaps this post could help someone. Perhaps someone would read this and relate to it, and it would make them feel like they're not alone. Because you're not. We're in this together and we can all get through it. 

It's okay. Take it one step at a time. Take it slow. It will get better. *virtual group hug*

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